27.9.2018On searching for balance...discovering flow.When I started doing my pottery regularly to finally immerse myself into creativity, to save myself and to save my children from me loosing the shit….I quickly started to loose the shit in not knowing how to keep the balance between doing what I love and not knowing how and when to stop. Finding time for housework and also be with my children fully without feeling a constant pull towards the studio and feeling torn between the two.
I have tried creating at night after everyone went to sleep but ended up dysfunctional the next day. I have tried squeezing every single second of the day to sneak out to studio and make, only to be ‘disrupted’ and feeling split between two worlds..
I have organised more uninterrupted time to do as much and as efficiently as I can. It was still NOT ENOUGH!
Then blessing in disguise arrived.
We have finally embarked onto our two months European holidays (after me not being back home for more than 12 years!!!)
This was something I dreamt about every year and each year something stood in the way…
So this trip was everything I ever wanted.
Yet, now, shortly after I set up my studio and organised my life to practice and create regularly I was also dreading the time away from my studio.
FOR TWO MONTH!!!!
Little did I know this was the best thing ever happened to me and my creativity..
I was of course forced to stop completely. I had spent two month with my family.
Every
single
day.
And after few days, I didn’t wanted to stop traveling. Spending this precious time with each other without the schedules and time tables and school runs and musts and shoulds…was the best thing ever.
So good, I completely enjoyed the freedom and a break from even my pottery. I felt like this pause was bringing something fresh into it. Like when you air out and old, stale pieces of fabric.
And I was right.
I was so excited to get back to studio but no longer obsessed, pulled by uncontrollable power which made me become unable to be still and in the moment.
After our arrival I didn’t just dropped the bags and ran into the studio. I gave myself and my family time to settle to return. It took a week or two before I started. I was observing this with quiet, calm disbelief. It felt so good to not to need to be rushed and pulled and be split.
The 2 month off created a space within me and that space became a really calm, still bubble which only wants to flow and doesn’t like to be pushed.
I create space where ever I can. I love feeling the flow entering into my own life and I love saying NO to deadlines which could tip me over. I love saying NO for one important reason. To remain still and peaceful within.
And if I feel like I am starting to push or two things somehow colliding I allow the flow to show me the way…or simply say another NO.
I now love the time away…I love how I CAN stop. And I love to return when the time is right. I am not over stimulated, fuzzy little dog chasing its own tale.
However I am not in control….
….and I do not want to be, because I understood its impossible…
Control and balance are as dysfunctional as any perfectionistic concept ever created.
Being gently open to the unpredictable flow of life is what more peaceful life is about.
D